Recently, I was mediating a case (marital mediation – kind of like couple’s therapy but more concrete and faster). The issue seemed to begin with an over-indulgence in porn. Many people don’t realize, but when you have an orgasm, your brain dumps chemicals into your system making you attach to the object of your sexual encounter. Could be an actual person, or it could be that anonymous stranger sex depicted with a video camera – two dimensionally.

So now, what turns you on is Girls Gone Wild, and not the Girl Next Door who’s away at graduate school anyway. This feeds on itself, and can start to warp your sexual appetite into places you would rather not be. Let’s face it, porn does not depict real women. Women are not two dimensional sex fiends with bodies in those proportions, and nothing to say. But those imaginary women become your fantasy. As you age, and count on your intimate partner in ever deepening ways, your life divides, and where sex should bring connection, it just doesn’t.

As in all things, an over-indulgence can get you into trouble. And in this mediation case, it did. Video stranger sex can only take you so far. And don’t kid yourself, crossing that invisible line to sex addiction will come. Before you know it, those two dimensions are three – and now we have a real problem. It is no fun to sit in a mediation trying to save a marriage after infidelity. A marriage, you, in fact, love and appreciate more than ever. When trust hits those negative numbers, that make Minnesota seem warm, you will be miserable on levels you could never imagine.

Saving the marriage. I am not saying that it can’t be done. It certainly can. People climb Mount Everest. So can you! But here, there are two mountains to climb – twin peaks of sex addiction and infidelity. Being on the harmed side of that equation is so painful, it can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Sleepless, angry confusion, turns to hostility quickly. The harm is extreme. Being the one who caused harm, is an all consuming, brutal and humbling experience – if you do it right.

Getting the system to come back into balance, means you will have to take the pain back, one piece of privacy at a time. No more private emails or text messages. No going out with your friends. Naming your spouse, and your love for her the minute a woman walks within three feet. Listening patiently to the seemingly endless pain you have caused with no way to expedite the process. Suffering the sleepless nights as care-giver. Acknowledging the damage you have caused. Would you take it back if you could? Don’t answer that, I already know.

Let me just say, the work is not all his. (Please excuse the gender bias, as we all know that women have affairs too – and same sex couples as well). To open the door just a little to the far off remote possibility of forgiveness is the hard work of the betrayed. I do not ask her to forgive. I am only asking that she open the door to the possibility, and leave it open – just a crack. We don’t forgive because the other person deserves it. We forgive because our emotional health depends on it.

Porn should come with a warning label: Porn is sexual junk food. Over indulgence can cause painful side effects that are hazardous to your emotional health, and in some cases, have been known to cause death to your relationship.