I’d like to wish all of you the very best of health and happiness for the coming year in this final ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog for 2014.

If you make New Year’s resolutions, won’t you also consider the “conflict resolutions” below?

Warmest regards to you and yours, and may your 2015 be peaceful and wonderful in every way.

Thank you very much to those who gave me new resolution ideas last year. You will find most of them here:

1. This year, I will…

It may be hard to imagine the word conflict being qualified by the adjective “sweet”. Yet, think of the times that goodness comes from reconciling differences that had been having a negative impact on a relationship. Think, too, of the relief experienced after expressing unspoken truths and the outcome of doing so is positive. Think of the importance of finding how we inadvertently contributed to someone's upset and have the chance to make it 'right' . Think of mending the breakdown in our…

I like this story about the expression chancing your arm and thought I would pass it on to you. My colleague Mary Rafferty used it recently when referring to someone taking a risk and I had never heard of it. The phrase’s roots did have risk attached to it and also a peaceful gesture.

The story goes that “In 1492 two Irish families, the Butlers of Ormonde and the FitzGeralds of Kildare,…

According to wiseGEEK “There are two meanings to the phrase ‘an axe to grind’. The first meaning is the traditional American one, which means having an ulterior motive or personal reasons, other than the obvious, for doing something. The British meaning is to hold a grudge or a grievance against someone or something.”

The same source says:

“The term comes from the grinding…

According to Mom Generations the origin of the idiom hot under the collar “comes from the fact that anger or aggression generally causes a person’s face and neck to become red, sweaty and hot.  Since the collar covers the neck, the collar becomes hot and sweaty.” This expression provides a good visual of people who literally become…

I am thrilled to announce that my new book is now available through Amazon. It is called “Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide you”.

This is a short summary of what it is about:

This book is about expanding perspectives on common aspects of conflict experiences—before, during, and after they…

It happens sometimes that we lose track of ourselves when in conflict. We may find we turn into someone who doesn’t even resemble who we usually are and how we interact. We may become an angry parent, a petulant child, a dogmatic teacher, a judge or other personas that reflect a different somebody than we want to be.

Our changing personality – if and when it appears – may emerge because we are overly stressed and upset, hurt, frightened, overwhelmed, not getting our point across, or…

When we talk about pointing fingers at others (when in conflict) it is typically in the context of blaming them for something. It could be that their words or deeds offended us or got us into trouble. It may be because we didn’t get what we wanted and we suspect the other person’s motives. Or, it may be that we are passing on fault that we own or share.

These and other blame-type scenarios commonly arise in interpersonal conflict and remind me of a great Hindu proverb: …

You may have heard the phrase hair trigger temper referring to someone who reacts strongly when angry. As an adjective hair trigger has been described to mean “easily activated or set off; reacting immediately to the slightest provocation or cause”.

As a noun hair trigger refers to “a trigger that allows the firing mechanism of a firearm to be operated by very slight pressure”. According to …

One of the things that can lead to conflict has to do with unmet expectations. For instance, we had hoped that another person would have said or done something that reflects their care and concern for us; they excluded us from a gathering or decision; they had something we wanted and knew it was important to us; or they didn’t provide their support or were unreliable about a matter. These and other examples of having expectations work both ways, of course, and we could have let someone else…

One way of coping with conflict is to sweep things under the rug. As you likely know, this metaphor refers to ignoring problems rather than facing and managing them. One idiomatic definition consistent with this from Wiktionary is “To conceal a problem expediently, rather than remedy it thoroughly.” Sometimes the tendency to sweep things under the rug comes with the hope that what is…

Wiktionary suggests the following idiomatic explanations of the expression walking on eggshells: 1. “To be overly careful in dealing with a person or situation because they get angry or offended very easily; to try very hard not to upset someone or something.” and 2. “To be careful and sensitive, in handling very sensitive matters.”

When applied to interpersonal conflict I think of those…

Lately I have been hearing several of my friends complaining about their life partners. It seems it is more than usual, but maybe I am just more aware of their plaints these days for some reason. The gripes typically start with “I hate when he (or she)…” and the “odious” acts, as they perceive them, may be how the person answers the phone, eats, flosses, leaves laundry on the floor, makes puns, and on and on. Of course, the same sorts of responses may be made regarding siblings, friends,…

It has been a long time since I first heard the expression my way or the highway. Within the context I first heard it and ever since, I have interpreted it to mean that if someone doesn’t go along with the other’s view (position, want, need, etc.) she or he might as well just leave or go away. Consistent with this interpretation, Wiktionary suggests my way or the highway means “an ultimatum…

Recently on the Conflict Coaching Guild on LinkedIn I asked members if they would share idioms, phrases, metaphors and other expressions on conflict that they like. There are many I had not heard of and one of those is the title of today’s blog – never cut what you can untie.

This expression was apparently coined by Joseph…

In a recent blog I spoke about the olive branch as a symbol of peace. Another symbol of peace we often think of is the white flag.

According to Wikipedia: “The white flag is an internationally recognized protective sign of truce or ceasefire, and request for negotiation. It…

When we are in an interpersonal conflict we may find ourselves reacting when the other person tries to have or succeeds at getting the last word. Or, we may be the one who is trying or succeeds in doing so. According to one source, the definition of the phrase the last word includes: “the last thing said in an argument”; “information that everyone considers to be the best”;…

A friend of mine – I’ll call him Max – recently had a disagreement with his sister, and he was agonizing to me about it and how to mend things. When he was brainstorming how to get her to talk to him Max said, “maybe I ought to go with an olive branch in hand”. I asked him how he thought that would work and he said, “It’s a goodwill gesture – a symbol of peace – and if she throws it back at me I’ll know the timing is wrong!” Max’s use of the expression inspired me to consider its derivation,…

When it comes to some interpersonal conflicts the expression let sleeping dogs lie may be used to mean “to leave things as they are; especially, to avoid restarting or rekindling an old argument; to leave disagreements in the past”. Certainly a sleeping dog is a lovely sight. But to me so are most dogs who are awake. Presumably the image of this metaphor is meant to conjure up excessive yapping and…

When we accuse someone of upsetting the applecart we generally think that person is causing trouble and creating difficulties by doing or saying something that challenges the status quo. Of the four variations of the source of the expression that I read about, the most basic and generic derivation refers to farmers in the 1800s who would bring applecarts loaded with neatly piled,…