I have spent most of my adult life working with people that are in a crisis of some kind. They find their way to me to resolve conflict, internal or external. And in all that time of working with people in this way, I have found that there is one thing that is more toxic to the system than anything else: keeping secrets.

I think often of this time, years ago, when I was invited to a Dim Sum brunch by my brother-in-law with his Chinese guru. In attendance were several other students of this guru. My brother-in-law told me quietly that one of the students at the table, a young Chinese women was dating one of the white American students. But her parents were in town, and everyone at the table knew that they would not approve of such a relationship. So, as we sat down together, there was a level of tension and awkwardness as we all thought about the secret we were keeping.

We weren’t sitting for more than a few minutes when the guru hushed everyone down, looking as if he were going to make a speech. He then said, directly to the visiting Chinese parents. “Your daughter has been dating this white man for the last year, and is afraid to tell you because she believes you will not approve.” The parents were visibly upset, stood up, and walked out. The young women cried, and went after them. The young man was angry at the guru and started to protest. The guru just went on with his meal. I smiled, and thought, “he really is a brilliant and wise teacher.”

Why do we hide? Because we are trying to avoid conflict. And does that solution create less conflict? No. It most certainly does not. It exchanges, temporarily, the external conflict for the internal - but internal conflict takes a toll. Easier said then done, though. Facing the external conflict right away, even when you know it will ultimately be easier, is a hard thing to do.

But we rarely stop to think about the trajectory of the secrets we keep. What is the consequence to our relationship with ourselves and others? When we are out of integrity with ourselves, there is a brutal play out in our lives: it’s isolation. Only the ones that know our secret, really know us. It eats away at us, and depletes our connections. Not living out loud, not having the inside match the outside, will lessen the joy in our lives.

Once I sat in the kitchen of a 94 year old family friend, having coffee and just hanging out. She was talking about life, and the olden days. Suddenly, she told me of a man who had abused her when she was five years old. I was shocked into silence. She responded “I have never told anyone that before in my life.” What, after almost 90 years, could have brought that to the surface? She quietly said to me after a minute of reflection, “It’s strange. I feel so relieved that I finally told someone that.”

Bless her. It is never too late to tell your secret.

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