RAGE IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD

Rage is a word that describes a strong emotion that sometimes evolves when we are in conflict. It is not necessarily an immediate reaction. Rather, it is one that often signals an escalation of feelings such as anger and hurt about a person and/or an issue. The build-up erupts into a state of being furious, incensed, and out of control of our words, thoughts, and emotions.

This week’s blog considers that rage, like some other ‘four-letter words’ stated fiercely, is an extreme reaction. The evolution of emotions that becomes rage often seems to be a consequence of continuing disagreement in which issues that are important to us are not being resolved. This is usually accompanied by a sense that our needs, hopes, and expectations are not going to be met. I also think rage arises when we perceive and fear that our deep-felt beliefs, values, and feelings are being ignored.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time when you became enraged in conflict or experienced someone else’s rage.

Generally, how do you describe what happens to you when you become enraged?
What are the specific feelings you are experiencing at these times?
Considering a specific incident when you became enraged, how do you describe your reaction at that particular time?
What was the result of your reaction - for you? The other person?
What was clear to you about what led to your reaction? What wasn’t clear?
How did the other person react to your rage?
When you have experienced another person’s rage at you, how did you react internally? Externally?
In that case, what did you understand about the other person or the situation that you hadn’t before she or he raged at you? What became less clear?
If you want to change a rage reaction (your own) from erupting in the future, what may you do differently?
What may you do differently in the future in response to someone who reacts to you in rage?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Originally posted at www.cinergycoaching.com/blog/

2 members like this

Comment by John C. Turley on April 25, 2013 at 1:30am: This is a timely subject for me since I was on the receiving end of a disputant's rage a few weeks ago. during a mediation session. The plaintiff wanted a full replacement for his original 1995 car engine with over 105,000 miles. The defendant(auto mechanic) was willing to pay $1,000 toward a rebuilt engine. The plaintiff stood firm in his request for over $6,000 for a new engine. Short of receiving $6,000 or a brand new engine, I reviewed the options on the table. The plaintiff perceived my actions as siding with the defendant. He flew into a rage and dropped his previously reasonable demeanor. I found him inches away from my face with a contorted twist of hatred on his with his hand extended ready to strike me. The situation got so heated that I almost called the court officer to remove the plaintiff. The case was sent to the judge to handle who originally had decided to send the case to mediation.

A consultant friend of mine reminded me of The Platinum Rule which is "Do onto others as they would want you to do onto them." I read the plaintiff correctly as a high D with a high I personality according to the DISC methodology of the Personal Profile System which is a behavioral tool to understand people's personality and behavioral patterns. A high D with a high I personality type is results driven and focused on their goals and objectives. Under stress, this personality type will assert and dictate when their needs are not met. I have the same profile. At the start of the session, the plaintiff declared that he wanted nothing to do with mediation but preferred to see the judge who in his mind would award him either $6K or a new engine on the spot. When I outlined the options for the plaintiff without acknowledging his ultimate need of a new engine vs. a rebuilt one, it was akin to waving a red flag in front of a raging bull about to charge. I further detected that this man was somewhat unbalanced, so the situation became even more volatile when he perceived that he would not get what he wanted.

I attribute the outbreak of rage to the frustration associated with unmet needs. Literally, one person is pouring kerosene on a smouldering fire by continuing to ignore the behavioral and personality signals that the other person sends to them vis-a-vis their needs and how they wish to be treated. In turn, I felt physically threatened although not frightened by the plaintiff's actions so I went into a high defense mode to await a punch or a lunge. Reason had left the room as I prepared for a physical assault which fortunately did not happen. I regained my composure and calmly advised the disputants to see the judge for a ruling.

I believe that the same process takes place during road rage incidences albeit without the close and upfront physical interaction that I experienced. Drivers use their vehicles to do their talking and interacting. Behavior manifests itself in the way the cars are driven and maneuvered which can cause some drivers to react with anger and rage. Again, there are behavioral indicators to observe. My brother informed me of a road rage incident that resulted in a highway shoulder confrontation with one driver stabbing the other close to the point of death.

I advocate following The Platinum Rule to avoid encounters with rage both internally and externally. On the inside, it is important to know and recognize the triggers that set a person off. The best remedy is to understand the process and find a method that cools you down quickly. Externally, do likewise with the things that trigger rage in the other person before an outburst happens. Avoid the rage triggers by assessing the personality and behavioral patterns of others as early as possible. Awareness is the key to avoiding rage outbreaks looking inward and outward.

Comment by Cinnie Noble on April 25, 2013 at 6:53am: Hi John:

Thank you for these examples of rage and your suggestions for ways to avoid it.

Cinnie.