LOSING FACE

Among the fears that some of us have about interpersonal conflict is the loss of something important to us. It may be a fear we will lose what we are fighting for. It may be we fear losing the relationship. We may fear the loss of our position or status. Another loss some of us have when we are in conflict, or when we expect one may evolve, has to do with losing face and experiencing related emotions such as humiliation.

According to one source, the idiom – loss of face – refers to “loss of respect of others, humiliation, public disgrace” and apparently began as a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien'. That phrase may also be expressed in English as 'to suffer public disgrace', as to be unable to show one's face in public.

To further explore this aspect of conflict when responding to the following set of ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), consider a situation in which you feel you lost face:

What does the expression losing face mean to you?
In what ways do you think you lost face in the situation you have in mind?
What do you look like without face?
What did the other person specifically say or do that led to that occurring?
What did it feel like to lose face? What thoughts occurred to you at this time?
What other words or expression explain what you experienced?
How may you or did you gain back face, if you did?
What positive things came from losing face?
In what ways could you have prevented losing face?
What do you think generally contributes to you losing face in conflict? What helps to get it back?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Originally posted at www.cinergycoaching.com/blog/

1 member likes this

Comment by John C. Turley on September 6, 2013 at 1:35pm: Since I have been a salesman for more than 30 years, I link losing face to the ability to accept rejection and negative comments concerning my sales proposals or overtures to clients. It is important not to take the affront personally or to continue to dig a deeper hole for oneself. When a loss of face arises for me, I acknowledge it and then work to create a positive next step. Humor is one of the best ways to defuse a loss of face situation either for myself or another person or a client. If I cause another person to lose face, then it is important to contain the problem, acknowledge the insult, request forgiveness with authenticity, and move from a perceived affront to a positive comeback. If I use humor, it is always self-effacing and always at my expense.

This background helps me in mediation/ADR because I have learned techniques for recovering from the loss of face to convert them to face saving scenarios. Part of this is the ability to think quickly on one's feet and to be aware of your presence during the sales discussion or the mediation session. It is important to take the pulse of the audience and to observe people's behavior, body language, and non-verbal cues.

Even if I have really and truly blown it, I usually can recover by demonstrating authentic humility. The skill is to acknowledge your foibles while advancing the solution. If I inadvertently offend a party, I acknowledge the misstep immediately and do my best to lower the tensions with a calming voice. Accepting rejection and the possibility of unintentionally creating loss of face situations is part of my sales training. Reading people in sales and ADR scenarios helps to avoid losing face in the first place. Once it happens, try not to make it worse. Also, be sensitive to the role of losing face within another's culture or ethnic background. Some scenarios may require extra steps along the road to redemption and reconciliation.

Comment by Cinnie Noble on September 6, 2013 at 4:18pm: Thank you John for providing your experiences on how to handle losing face or if you have caused someone else to. I appreciate that you added these and other thoughts on the subject.