If I had it to do over...

I have heard the statement “If I had it to do over …” in many contexts, including about choices of partners, careers, schooling, places to live, and so on. This week’s blog is about how this preamble arises in some interpersonal conflicts - in the aftermath.

There are a number of reasons that, in retrospect, we may speak about a situation in terms of what we ought to have done differently. Such statements may be said with regrets, disappointment in ourselves, and even a sense of despair. Statements that begin that way may refer to something we wished we had said or done that would have been more helpful and had a more positive impact. Or, we may have preferred to have stood up for ourselves. Or, in looking back, we may think it would have been best to have backed down rather than argue. If we were to do it over we may say we would have apologized or forgiven the other person - or ourselves. We may say we are angry at ourselves that we yelled or cursed and hurt the other person. We may be kicking ourselves for walking away or not walking away. We may have wished we had held our position stronger. These and many other possible examples that show up when a conflict is over and we wished we could do a 'do over' can stay with us for long periods of time. They are worth exploring for the learning we gain and the possibility of applying that learning next time.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, consider a conflict situation about which you are saying or have said “If I had it to do over …” when answering these queries:

How would you complete “If I had it to do over I would…” about the conflict that you have in mind?
What do you regret most that you said or did or didn't say or do ?
What are the other consequences of your regrets - about not saying or doing what may have been more useful, appropriate, helpful etc.?
What else would you have done or said that is more aligned with your preferred way of interacting?
What different outcome may there have been had you done or said that (your answer to the above question)?
In what ways does that different outcome feel good to you? In what ways does it not feel good?
What do you suppose got in the way of saying or doing what you would have preferred?
What do you want to do about this situation now to make things better and achieve an improved outcome?
How may you be proactive next time you are in conflict and find yourself going to a place that has historically resulted in regrets after the fact?
What is the learning from this series of questions?