FREEZING WHEN IN CONFLICT

When considering that one response to being provoked is to freeze, this week’s blog encourages thinking about what that means and what to do about it. So, what does freezing mean in the context of conflict? It may be a matter of becoming hard and cold internally or towards the other person or both. It may also be a reaction that reflects feeling immobilized. We feel powerless to know what to say or do. Typically, our brains are ‘on hold’ and we are not able to think at these times. These and other ways that freezing affects us have a huge impact on the journey that our interpersonal conflicts take. That is, if we freeze, regardless of the form it takes, the result of such a response effects the outcome.

Freezing may be our reaction and it may be the other person’s. Or, it may occur for just one of us. In any case, it helps to reflect on what is happening at these times that may exacerbate conflict or deflect conflict or serve some other purpose. For today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) then, it is best to consider a conflict you are experiencing in its beginning stages or one you are in the midst of and find yourself freezing. You may even look at a previous conflict when this phenomenon occurred as you answer the following questions:

How does freezing happen for you when you are in conflict?
What does that feel like?
What is actually ‘frozen’ at these times for you?
How do you describe what you have observed in others who freeze in conflict?
What does that feel like for you?
What impact does freezing have on the other person and the interaction when you freeze?
How would you describe the opposite of freezing in the context of conflict?
What positive outcomes come from freezing? Negative?
What would it take for you to thaw out when you freeze, if you wanted to?
What could you do to help the other person thaw out?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Originally posted on www.cinergycoaching.com/blog/

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Comment by John C. Turley on August 2, 2012 at 2:51pm: For myself, I rarely freeze in mediation except if it is a fight or flight situation. If this is the case, I weigh my moves very deliberately. This has happened to me when one of the parties loses emotional control or appears to threaten violence to the other party or me. It is uncomfortable for the staff and others in the office if the session gets too emotional and sometimes violent. This rarely happens in the courts because of the weapons screening and the presence of court officers. In private sessions, this is a concern when there is no screening or security officers on duty.

If a disputant freezes in session, I try my best to put them at ease by re-framing or asking the question differently. I do not presume to know why a person freezes, so I proceed with caution and TLC. It may be an uncomfortable situation so I do my best to move the parties along or suggest a break. Perhaps the discussion is too painful for one party or the subject matter is too sensitive. It is important to acknowledge the freeze and forgo pressing the issue. People may simply shut down because of nerves, fear of the unknown, or animosity toward the other party. It may be a case of intimidation since this is the first time that they are confronting the other party about the dispute issues.

If I freeze, it is probably very awkward for all parties. The expectation is that you are the facilitator and authority figure in the room who is there based on your skill and training. As I stated above, this usually does not happen to me. If it did, I would simple take a deep breath and approach the session from another angle.

The opposite of freezing is perhaps an emotional outburst or too much talking with emphasis. I simply deal with emotions as they arise. Emotions are either positive or negative;however, I simply regard them as events that may or may not happen to lesser or greater degrees throughout the session. I probe for the underlying reasons behind emotional expressions. What is the party conveying in an emotional display? What is the motivation or need behind the emotion? Past history, experiences,self esteem, apprehensions all play a role in the exposition of an emotion.

The positive aspects of freezing allow for deeper understanding of the participant's needs. What is really going on in that person's mind? Is it a cry for help, more information, or is it a defensive tool? The important point is not to ignore or misread this non-verbal cue. For myself, a deep breath, a gathering of my thoughts, or a break will usually crack the freeze. Humor is helpful. I suggest the same remedies for other people. I have brought water, tissues, and candy to people in freeze mode. It is important for the mediator to monitor the situation, read people, and check their emotional temperatures throughout the session. I call this taking the pulse proactively. Empathy also has its place and utility to draw people away from a frozen state.

Finally, it is important for the facilitator to be humane and thoughtful. Some people have a hard time speaking about deeply seeded emotions or facts. Not everyone can be glib and fluent on certain subjects. It is further helpful to recognize that people respond differently under given circumstances.

JCT