When other people provoke us, our perceptions of what is happening sometimes tends to be distorted. Typically, the more egregious the exchange and the angrier we become, the more negative our perspectives are. It seems that once we are irritated by another person and especially if our feelings grow with repeated interactions, it is challenging to disabuse ourselves of the assumptions about the other person and his or her motives. What also happens in many cases is that we get stuck in our…

It is strange to imagine what we look like when we are in conflict. We don’t get to be a spectator and observe ourselves, though on reflection we may be able to describe our demeanour, the look on our face, or how we acted at these times. Thinking about all this inspired some questions for this week’s blog. I began thinking that an interesting way of examining how we engage in conflict is to consider if we are able to ‘see’ ourselves through someone else’s eyes. This is not only how we look…

Conflict mastery is not only about engaging effectively in a conflict once it has evolved. It also entails picking up ‘vibrations’ that may signal dissension with or from another person and addressing the dynamic at the time. It is a matter of being proactive and preventing unnecessary conflict or facilitating positive conflict. Picking up conflict ‘vibes’ may not result in a specific discussion with the other person. It may be a matter of beginning to notice things that seem to be igniting…

One of the things that happens after interpersonal conflict is that some of us bear a grudge. We continue to hold onto negative feelings about the other person and may do so for a protracted period of time. We may show this by ignoring the person, or making derogatory remarks about him or her, directly or indirectly. Or, we may retaliate in different ways. Bearing grudges may be a way of coping, but we usually recognize it also contributes to ongoing dissension.

Some of us…

Let’s face it, we sometimes spend needless time in blame mode about our interpersonal disputes. Just think of all the energy we put out! I’m not always sure what compels blame. Are we trying to take attention away from our wrong-doing? Are we thinking it will make things better if we blame? Or, that we will feel better? Do we want to make things worse? Blaming can be impulsive and we don’t always realize that we have choices about how we react. That is, unless we are getting something out of…

Even though we know that name-calling sounds infantile, sometimes in the heat of anger, we realize we have resorted to blaming with words that hurt, or the other person is verbally attacking us. Unfortunately, the sentiments experienced in these words often echo long after the disagreement is over and may even get dragged into subsequent conversations.

Name-calling is an impulsive habit for responding to something another person says or does that offends us. From the point of…

When it comes to the wide range of changes that can occur in our professional and personal lives, anything that shifts the status quo – negative or positive – is known to exacerbate feelings of insecurity, vulnerability and other emotions. At these times, many of us are conscious of why we are anxious. For others, our feelings are at an unconscious or subconscious level. We just feel uncomfortable, upset or off-balance and are not quite sure what is specifically bothering…

Habits we use when it comes to interpersonal conflicts are like other habits that we come to repeat without much thought. They are rote behaviours that reflect what we have learned about how to cope with situations. Conflict habits have to do among other things, with how we manage our emotions when we are provoked. Habits may show up in how we communicate, and how we defend things that are important to us. Some work for us and others do not.

Generally, we do not recognize…

Even when we are aware that we aren’t helping matters, many of us still repeat our habitual and unproductive ways of reacting when we are in conflict. Contrary to what some believe, most of us have choices about how we manage conflict. Unless we are intentional about learning new ways of engaging in conflict that work for us and those around us, we will continue to rely on the old ways of managing conflict. We may even realize that what we consider impulsive and out of our control is…

It goes without saying that experiencing a range of negative feelings is a natural part of being in conflict. When the issues being discussed are difficult for us, or if the other person is making his or her point in an obnoxious and hurtful way, or if there are other reasons we react, we are undoubtedly experiencing different emotions that are not always easy to identify. Understanding what actually leads to heightened emotions when in conflict is not always easy to do either.…

When we are in conflict, our experience of it is not something we are always able to articulate. What is really going on for us, to what we are reacting, what we are attributing to ‘the other person’ and so on are often clouded with our emotional responses. Similarly and probably to an even greater degree, we do not have a full sense about where the other person is coming from. We hear their perspective through a lens that is foggy with our own viewpoints, feelings and confusion. Mutuality…