Many of us experience inner reactions to another person’s words, actions, attitude or behaviours, but do not let him or her know. Fear of retaliation, encountering some other sort of combative response, becoming more upset and other perceived consequences often keep us from raising our concerns and pre-empting unnecessary friction. And suppressing our feelings does not help as inevitably they erupt somewhere along the road, and may even result in situations that can be even more unsettling.…

Engaging in conflict conversations is a common happenstance. Some discussions however, lead to uncommon sentiments and reactions when we lose our sense of self and control. One of the consequences is that we may tend to put conflict conversations off indefinitely. Or, we may blurt out something awkwardly or at inappropriate times, or any combination of approaches that make for counterproductive communications.

Becoming masterful at conflict communications – to talk out…

One of the things that sometimes happens when we are embroiled in an interpersonal conflict is that we perceive the differences between us as a matter of right and wrong. That is, that we are right and the other person is wrong! That perspective may be the other person’s too, of course. In many cases, such attributions do not apply and mostly, they don’t serve us well. Yet, when there is a need to find fault, it seems many of us think in positional terms of black versus white and hold…

Forgiving is complex. Among other things, forgiveness means being able to move on and not continue to hold on to the hurt and pain from a situation. Some people expect that once they apologize for something they said or did that they are forgiven. It’s not that easy. There are many layers to forgiveness, including how deep the hurt, the nature of the deed or words that hurt us, who asks for forgiveness and how forgiveness is requested. When we seem to be unable to forgive, we may not be…

When we are in conflict, it is common for many of us to blame the other person for what happened in the dynamic. It may well be that the other person has done or said something to offend us, and we have done nothing we can think of to warrant his or her words or action. Or, we may have done something to which he or she is reacting and we choose a defensive or blaming response to counteract his or her accusations. Or, some combination of these and other circumstances may have occurred that…

So often we embark on a difficult communication or react to a conflict situation by trying to discuss it, before we or the other person are ready. Anxiety to resolve the issues, a desire to get past the high emotions, a need to make amends and other reasons compel many of us to dive in prematurely to talk things out. On the other hand, we may tend to wait too long before we reach out and find our efforts are perceived as ‘too little too late’, despite our good…

Conflict can weigh us down and we limp along with it on our shoulders. These are the times we ask ourselves questions like, “Why did I get into that fight?”, or “What was I trying to prove?, or “What was she on about?”, or “Why did he get so upset?” In any case, when we care about the relationship, the weight usually feels heavier than when we don’t. The questions we ask ourselves at these times are often negative, self-limiting or self-serving.

Here are some other questions to ask…

We all have ways that we manage conflict that we have learned over time. It is often the case that at least one of our conflict management styles seems to be dominant and reflects the default approach we take under stress. Our way of engaging in conflict of course, depends on the person and what we are experiencing from and about him or her and the situation. Also, the timing, our mood at the time, the impact of the dispute on us and each other and other factors all enter in to determine how…

When we’re in conflict, there are many decisions to be made during and after it is over. Even when we anticipate dissension, there are decisions to make about how to effectively engage in the interaction. Our ability to make any sort of decision about conflictual  matters and the relationship dynamic decrease the more upset we become. For various reasons in the heat of the moment we often seem to think it is necessary to do or say something, rather than taking a ‘time-out’ to decide the…

We aren’t usually aware of what peoples’ ‘hot buttons’ are except perhaps those of our family and friends and those we come to know well such as colleagues and co-workers. Even so, we didn’t always know what provoked them. New friends, colleagues and others start with a clean slate, too. It seems ‘hot buttons’ are things we often realize the hard way – through trial and error.

When we are provoked by something others say or do or even what they don’t say or do, many of us let…

When emotions prevail during interpersonal conflict, many of us cannot easily think ahead to what we want as an outcome. If we acknowledge that possibility, we may do some preparatory work before we initiate a potentially conflictual discussion or get caught up in the middle of one. If we engage in some preliminary reflections, our actions and words will more likely be aligned with our objective. Otherwise, the likelihood of chaotic thinking and feelings is high and we end up conducting…

It is common when we are in conflict, that as our emotions escalate, many of us tend to interrupt more and listen less. We interrupt for a number of reasons, including that we perceive that whatever is being said or done undermines and challenges something important for us. Or, we find it difficult to hear the truth or falsehood of what the other person is saying, or we figure we know what the person is about to say and have limited patience or time. Other reasons for interrupting may…

Though not always expressed, it is common that people in conflict experience some level of fear about the dynamic between them and the other person. This may be about the issues in dispute and/or the relationship, or their own reactions and experience of the conflict. In a small scale study CINERGY® Coaching did with 200 clients about what fears they have in their interpersonal disputes, the fear of a loss of some sort prevailed. Loss of the relationship (connecting, caring, etc.), of face,…

Something that happens to many of us in the aftermath of interpersonal conflict is a tendency to agonize about what happened. We may criticize ourselves – wishing we had said something else or differently. We may blame the other person and not let go of our feelings about him or her. We may continue to ruminate about unresolved hurts and issues. We may make the situation bigger than it was, or try to minimize it while still experiencing a huge impact that we try to…

There are days when we are in conflict with another person we respond strongly to his or her action or words that may not have the same impact on other days. Fatigue, personal or professional worries and other stressors all contribute to how reactive we are, to whom and for what reason. Some strong emotions leave us in a state of heart and mind that may confuse us and add to the strain we already experience as a consequence of the conflict. These emotions can sometimes take over and we find…

The proverbial elephant that appears in the room when we are in conflict isn’t always as big as an elephant. It may be more like a mouse. However, a mouse is no less problematic when it scurries around and inserts itself in small places, like the crevices of our hearts and brains.

Elephants and mice represent the unspoken hurts or words. They are what is going on between disputing people that isn’t being said. They are the lingering doubts and the niggling feelings. They are…

What happens to many of us in the heat of an argument, is that we don’t consider the aftermath. One of the consequences of our actions and words or those of the other person is that we cannot easily undo what hurt we experience or caused. Emotions can linger and the pieces that are not reconciled, end up being the remnants in which we clothe our next dispute.

Thinking before we speak is sage advice that is likely said more than it is practiced. If more of us caught ourselves…

The expression thinking ‘outside of the box’ typically relates to being creative about ideas – like stepping outside of enclosed lines that constrain thinking. When the concept comes up in the conflict management context, it occurs when people in dispute are contemplating the options available to them regarding their opposing views. The ‘out of the box’ notion is meant to help disputants get away from steadfastly held positions and consider what other solutions may be mutually…

It often happens that the more positional we are about an issue in dispute, the more stuck we are about discussing the matter – much less reconciling matters. Our ability to negotiate, discuss and make amends deteriorates at these times and the other person may dig in his or her shoes in response to us. Or, he or she may have been the one to take a stand in the first place and our reaction contributes to the discord.

We get stuck for many reasons, depending on things like what the…

Many of us think we have to win disagreements – that we have to be and be seen as right and that the other person is wrong and has to concede to our viewpoint.  The competitive underpinnings to this approach set up a win-lose scenario and this isn’t usually an optimum way for reconciling conflict differences.

In some cases, agreeing to disagree may be a good outcome. However, for some of us that doesn’t quite work. The reality is, our view of rightness does not have to…