One of the reactions to people who provoke us is to give them ‘the cold shoulder’. In the dictionaries I consulted, I found that the source of this is Sir Walter Scott. There is no reason explaining its derivation but rather descriptors of what the expression reflects, including words such as aloofness and disdain.

Idioms like this and others – for instance, ‘getting our noses out of joint’ - are vivid in the physical images they conjure up. When we are in conflict we usually show it…

Before we engage someone in a challenging conversation, it helps to think out what to say and how to be. We have already discussed this in a previous blog. It also helps to give some thought about what to stay away from in order to achieve what we intend. Our reactions, attitudes, manner, considering the other person’s hot buttons, and other things are all choices we have – that can make or break a conversation.

This line of inquiry is particularly about what we may do or say (or not…

It seems that at times after a dispute is over we second-guess what we said or did. This expression – second-guess – implies that we have made a first guess and the further implication is that we are now wondering about and doubting the wisdom of our initial way of handling the situation. This suggests the time-worn truth that thinking before we speak and act helps to eliminate regrets and self-recrimination that typically accompany second-guessing. The idea about this week’s blog is more…

When we expect that an interaction is likely to be contentious, the chances are that many of us get the jitters.  We worry about what the other person may say or do, how we will cope, whether things will get out of hand and other possible reactions. Often the reasons for these jitters do not have a basis in reality. However, previous experiences, others’ narratives about what has happened to them in like circumstances and a wide range of fears may preoccupy us and lead us to feel unsettled,…

Sometimes we get into a cranky mood for no apparent reason.  Other times we get there because we have onerous things on our minds or we feel hurt by someone’s actions or words. Other times, obligations cause us stress and weigh us down. These and other types of happenings that occur in our daily lives will contribute to a state of mind and heart that can negatively affect us and those around us. In these sorts of moods, we may be more apt to pick fights or be more vulnerable and sensitive to…

Lots of things happen during the course of a dispute that may raise an internal groan in us. It may be because we say something we immediately regret; we hear a truth we hate to face; we observe a look or attitude that is off-putting; we hear the other person’s perspective that is antithetical to our intent or that is hurtful, offensive and so on.

Whether we groan internally or externally it is helpful to listen to the sound of our groans and consider from where they are coming and…

Over the years of interacting as a child in our families of origin and schools and then as an adult in our work and relationships, we develop views about the…

It is common when we are in conflict that different parts of us emerge. Some are familiar to us and some parts we do not recognize. Some parts reflect what we…

Not all of us know when, whether or how to be proactive and raise a conflictual issue with a person with whom we have an inner conflict. It’s a tough call at…

When we have had a dispute with another person, it is sometimes the case that the facts about what happened become distorted. This depends for instance, on how…

Having regrets about what happened in a conflict feels lousy. Our regrets are often remorse for things we wished we had said or done differently or not at all.…

Intertwined with the notion of resilience and moving past the feelings and thoughts that emerge from our disputes is whether we can actually forget about what occurred. Or, do we store the emotional impact and the impressions we make about the other person and ourselves? It has been suggested in a previous blog that unless we unpack what happened for us in our interpersonal disputes we will carry the luggage around with us. This week the ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is more on this…

So often we get wrapped up in an interpersonal conflict and lose track of what’s actually happening to us. We seem to let go of our grasp on the situation. Our emotional responses reflect the chaos and confusion going on in our hearts and minds. At these times, we may tend to misinterpret messages, attribute motives to the other person, lose our focus and lose perspective about what’s going on for us and what warrants clarification.

Before engaging the other person in a discussion to…

Preparing to respond to another person’s initiation of a conflict conversation can be an art and science, just as it is when we are the initiator. You may not have thought of conflict conversations as being either an art or science. The reality is we all are involved on a regular basis in communications that are and that have the potential for being difficult, emotional, inflammatory and so on.

It is up to us to choose whether we want to engage in difficult communications…

Even when an interpersonal dispute appears to be resolved, there are times that some of us continue to feel unresolved in our hearts and mind. Why is that? There are lots of reasons this phenomenon occurs. These include lingering feelings of hurt, anger and other remaining negative emotions. Or, it could be the realization that we regret our unspoken words and sentiments. Or, we regret saying things we know we cannot take back now. A tendency to accommodate the other person’s needs more than…

Conflict can hurt in a way that is often indescribable. Have you ever tried to describe it? It is pain that we seem to feel throughout our being – in our hearts and bones and skin. Emotional pain can cause us to feel physically sick. This type of pain sometimes feels so deep – as though it will never go away. It hurts through and through.

Since hurts from conflicts often reflect how deeply we care about certain issues, it is usual that we stay in that deep place until we get…

When we are in conflict with another person we often lose our internal balance. This may occur whether or not we externalize our feelings and thoughts. Internal impact may be apparent when self-limiting beliefs kick in, or we worry and agonize at great length about what is happening. Negative emotions may take over – about the other person and ourselves. We may tend to blow things out of proportion. Tears may come easily or sit on the edge of our eyes. We may lose sleep, feel tense,…

We are not typically aware of our body language when we are in conflict. It is especially likely at these times in fact, that we lose touch with how we come across. We are generally not conscious of what we are doing, how our faces appear, or how our bodies are otherwise ‘talking’. We tend to lose perspective on the situation and how we may even be adversely contributing to the dissension. The only mirror in front of us is the other person, who often reflects and reacts to our language and…

We often talk about the relationship breaking down when we are in a dispute and in fact, we do disconnect in many ways from the other person. We often lose connection with our own feelings and thoughts, too. It’s difficult to imagine that things can be mended when this happens and some of us experience mournful feelings – grieving that the relationship may be irreparable. It’s an uncomfortable and stressful place to be and we generally feel off balance and out of choice. These sorts of…

One of the things that many of us do when we are in conflict, is to make assumptions about the other person and his or her motives. Depending on the person, the situation, what is said or done (or not said or done), and our frame of mind and heart at that time, there are varying levels of assumptions we may make. For instance, we may start out giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and make excuses that demonstrate some empathy and/or understanding. This may be of the nature, “He…