Do you have a bad habit that you want to get rid of?

Reaching for the chocolate when stress builds?  Or smoking after a meal?

Perhaps you want to go to the gym on weekend mornings instead of sleeping in?

Well, after months and years of practicing the same habits over and over again, your brain has created  “mental…

Most of us have been there. No one says a word at meeting, even at the end when there’s one last request for questions or comments.

Then everyone leaves and the chatter starts. Ideas, feedback, criticism are shared in small groups.

What’s the best way to encourage a “speak up” culture when everyone is together?

I believe that a group’s culture is driven from the top. And I am using the word ‘group” loosely here. It can be anything from a…

I’ve always liked numbers. They seem certain and definite, and we all have “associated” feelings with them. For example, if a waiter asked you which spicy rating you would like your vindaloo, you might say a “3” if you don’t want it that spicy or tell him “9” if you’re ready to have your mouth on fire.

So, I’ve learned how to use numbers to my advantage when it comes to feelings, reactions, and conflict. More specifically, I’ve found that asking my clients to “scale” different…

I remember when kids were taught about the importance of wearing seatbelts or the dangers of smoking; they passed that information along to adults in their lives. “Grandma, please don’t smoke” or “Daddy, don’t forget to buckle-up.” The modern day version is not texting while driving – even when stopped at a light.

Along the same lines, I think we should spend more time teaching kids about problem solving so they can remind us when we get off track and don’t…

When is the last time you REALLY wanted to “go off” on someone? Today? Yesterday? Last week? If you have children, a crummy boss, or a problematic family member, that moment probably comes at regular intervals.

Yet, what I find truly amazing is that many of us (not all of us, of course) are able to control that urge to really let loose and shout, scream, kick, yell, fight, etc. We understand that the consequences far outweigh the benefits of creating a large-scale…

Conflict often involves loss … loss of trust, a future together, a friendship, even loss of life.

What got me thinking about this was a colleague’s story about her nephew whose actions behind the wheel resulted in the death of 3 people, including children.

A HUGE LOSS.

And it affects so many people, in addition to the victim’s family, including his own daughter who will likely live without a dad at home for many years. His wife who is facing…

Pattie Porter thinks about conflict resolution every day, just like I do.

I enjoyed reading her second Minibük, “Stop Avoiding Conflict“on the plane a few weeks ago.

Here…

At the end of March, I wrote a post about what to DO when your adult children get divorced. So, I’m here to follow-up with what NOT to do. Here’s the list, courtesy of Leslie Mann from the Chicago Tribune:

Dont’t:

• Be surprised if your child regresses to the moody, angry teen you thought you’d never see again. Don’t take it personally; he’s mad at the rest of the world now too.
• Join your child’s meetings with mediators and lawyers unless they invite…

ANGER – we sure are seeing a lot of it these days – just turn on the TV for a few minutes. What does it all mean?

Emotions are like colors.

There are primary colors – blue, red and yellow.

Secondary colors (purple, green and orange) exist only because the primary ones exist.

The same holds for emotions.

Fear, sadness and happiness are primary emotions. They are the ones that we feel first, in response to a situation.  They are…

I’ve always felt better when things are “black and white.” And, according to the research, most of us appreciate “closure” or decisiveness and feel less anxious when things are certain. But, since I’m a therapist, I’ve trained myself to tolerate feel O.K. in the “gray” area and help others who don’t like that in-between place, either.

The new book I’m reading, “Nonsense: The Power of Not Knowing” by Jamie Holmes examines our anxiety with uncertainty, and I’ve learned a lot…

How can you know someone for 20 years and not know his name?

And then one day, he helps you in a HUGE way and saves your day!

That’s what happened to me at the Reno-Tahoe Airport one dark morning while waiting for the ‘commuter’ flight to Las Vegas.

I had broken my routine that morning. I had plugged my phone to the car – and you guessed it, I left it attached to the cable.

I didn’t realize it until way past the security…

When it comes to divorce, not a lot of attention gets paid to the parents of the child getting divorced. But, it can be difficult to watch your child experience the pain of divorce and equally as difficult to say good-bye to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law (in most cases, anyway!)

Since I’m always trying to help my clients navigate divorce, an article originally published in the Chicago Tribune caught my eye. In it, the author addresses the not-so-often-addressed…

“How Asking 5 Questions Allowed Me to Eat Dinner with My Kids”

I was intrigued when I read this headline. Why wasn’t this family eating together?

2 parents with busy work schedules. 2 kids with a babysitter who doles out snacks when they were starving. And lots of good intentions that slipped by week after…

You hear the stories all the time–the ones about high-conflict divorce and the toll it can take on the children, the divorcing individuals, and even the friends and families involved. High-conflict divorce is never good for anyone, and yet, thousands of divorcing couples somehow find themselves in this kind of conflictual relationship.

I thought I would learn more about this, errr, interesting dynamic and found a great article in the Huffington Post outlining 5 facts about…

Being a lobbyist means that people you know (or have just met) want to talk politics with you, which I am happy to do … because I want to know what people are thinking and why.

They are laying the foundation, person by person, for how our community and country feels about our challenges and direction.

I am completely overwhelmed by the number of people who have told me that they are tired — so very tired of the…

Have we overused the term “self-care” yet? I know it sounds a bit therapy-ish, but self-care really is just that: caring for oneself. And, it turns out–during conflict, self-care is essential.

I’ve recently been reminded of this by a friend who’s going through some major upheaval in her marriage. It’s falling apart, to be honest. And, she’s found herself in a position that presents two choices: I either allow myself to sink into despair OR I take care of myself and use this…

I have two nieces getting married this summer and naturally, they are very excited – creating wedding websites and making plans. And I certainly don’t want to rain on their special day …

however, we all know that hard times can also be hard of a marriage. And sometimes there will be disagreements and probably some fights too.…

“How old are you feeling right now?” It’s a question I often ask my clients, especially when a couple is in the midst of an argument in my office. Why? Because oftentimes, we don’t realize that, in the middle of conflict, we revert right back to our childhood.

It may sound a bit psychodynamic, but when two people are arguing, they often don’t realize that they’re behaving like the child or adolescent they “thought” they had said good-bye to years ago.

For example, let’s…

Yesterday, I attended Senator Debbie Smith’s funeral service – such a sad day.

Debbie valiantly fought a battle with brain cancer and approached it just like she did everything else – with strong determination and a firm sense of purpose.

She wasn’t a quitter by any stretch of the imagination and gave that hideous disease all she had.…

How many times has someone told you the keys to effective communication? How many are there–5, 10, 20? Sometimes, it’s hard to keep them all straight.

So, with the help of Michael S. Broder, Ph.D, who wrote about this in the Huffington Post, I’ve condensed the keys to effective communication to just three. Read on!

1. Give Feedback — When you give feedback, be as specific as possible. The most effective feedback is given in a constructive manner,…