There is something that doesn’t quite work about the expression, “You make me so angry” (or sad, disappointed, depressed, etc.). That is, none of us can really make someone an emotion. We may act or speak in ways that result in others experiencing negative feelings. Or, others may do or say things to which we react. However, in both cases we don’t and they don’t actually make the emotion happen.

This may sound as though I am ‘splitting hairs’. However, in my view, the notion inherent…

When we begin to experience irritation about something happening with another person, our thoughts and feelings sometimes go to places that are not helpful for the situation and relationship with the other person. We may not always be aware of what is exacerbating things, but before we know it our initial responses have taken twists and turns that only serve to complicate matters. As things expand in our minds and hearts, we often find ourselves more and more conflicted, confused, and upset.…

The expression “what is on the lung is on the tongue” causes me to smile, as my mother used to say it about people who say whatever is on their mind – uncensored, unthinkingly, and impulsively. When I searched for an explanation of the derivation and meaning of this expression, I could not find it anywhere. Considering that perhaps my mother came up with the expression gave me even more reason to smile. Knowing her it would appeal to her that she made a rhyming commentary on the nature of…

I like the tune of Adele’s song “Rumour Has It” and there are some lyrics that strike me as relevant to conflict. Consider the lyric “Just ‘cause I said it, don’t mean that I meant it”. This is a great quote relating to conflict though unrelated to Adele’s intention. For me it reflects what often happens in disputes because many of us say things we don’t mean or intend. At these times many of us speak from reactive and emotional places and say and do things that hurt and don’t help the…

Jumping to conclusions can easily cause or perpetuate a conflict situation. This idiom – jumping to conclusions – refers to a tendency to assume something as negative when there is not necessarily a reason to do so. Conclusions may be about another person’s character, motives, attitude, and rationale. This sort of thinking may come from the habitual inclination to think the worst, to not trust ourselves or others, to let our insecurities and fears take over, and so on.

There are…

After a conflict is ostensibly over, we often forget what the other person said. It may be that is was inconsequential to us and so, we dismiss it. We may not retain what was said due to the need to move on and to put things behind us. We may have blocked it because it was unbelievable, too painful to hear, too bizarre according to our version of the events, or it felt blameful and retaliatory and not something we want to remember. It may be the case that our voice took up the air space and…

Interpersonal disputes are multi-layered and an onion is an apt metaphor to describe the many dimensions of conflict. An onion also reflects the many layers of the other person and of us. Our hearts and brains, our spiritual being, our bodies are all parts of us that are effected when we are in conflict. Each layer adds to the mystery and confusion conflict creates inside us.

Though we may come to our disputes with historical experiences that have built on one another, each new…

One of the things that happens when we are masterful in conflict is we not only listen carefully and thoughtfully to what is being said and felt. We are also willing to be curious and hear what is going on inside us and inside the other person. The more emotional we become, the more difficult that is, of course. The thing is, that without curiosity we make and react to our assumptions and let our emotions prevail. Often conflict then evolves because our imaginations take over. Without…

As soon as we begin to react to someone who provokes us there are options about how to proceed. One of those is to give the person the benefit of the doubt. This expression apparently refers to the legal phrase “reasonable doubt” first documented in the 18th Century English law. The phrase was accepted as the degree of doubt required to acquit a criminal defendant and was defined in terms of moral certainty. In the 20th Century “reasonable doubt” was given constitutional status in the U.S.…

Our perceptions of what actually occurred in a dispute are not all that reliable in the aftermath of hurtful interactions. Our emotional experiences of conflict have a huge impact on us and one of the results is that our perspective on what happened gets muddled and muddied. What we think is an absolute truth about the event and the exchange about it is often not the other person’s perception of the absolute truth. Essentially, facts can be easily distorted and we end up with our blind spots…

Sometimes during conflict we lose our confidence and composure. We may become plagued with self-doubt and feel we are not able to stand up for ourselves. We back down at these times and give in to the other person. We may regret doing so and admonish ourselves for lack of courage or ‘guts’. This and other self-limiting beliefs eat away at our self-esteem and we may feel all the more helpless and powerless.

More things may get in our way of standing up for ourselves, too. For instance,…

One way that some of us cope when we are in conflict is to criticize the other person for something he or she is saying or doing. Criticism takes many forms. For instance, it may be by being condescending, pointing out and putting down things we don’t approve of, finding fault when things don’t suit or fit our perspective, ignoring the person or demonstrating a dismissive attitude, being sarcastic about or correcting things the person says, and so on. Criticizing in these and other ways…

It’s a strange expression – chip on your shoulder – and it has a rich history. According to Wikipedia it dates back to the Royal Navy Dockyards and a requirement for shipwrights to carry timber chips under their arms rather than on their shoulders because they could carry more that way. The story goes that one shipwright (John Miller) refused and the Master Shipwright ordered him to lower the chips and tried to physically force him to do so. Miller and others pushed the Master and First…

There are times when we may say we feel ‘out of control’ when we are in conflict and that means different things to different people. The description of what ‘out of control’ means will differ among us and typically, being out of control is not a positive experience for ourselves or the other person. It seems that this sentiment is expressed when we react strongly to being provoked and say or do things that we consider uncharacteristic and, perhaps, unreasoned, unreasonable and even…

Forgive and forget is one of those common statements said to someone after they have been in a conflict. It may be to encourage them to move on, to not be bothered anymore with what occurred, to stop fretting, to let themselves and the other person ‘off the hook’, and so on. Often this expression is stated flippantly though - out of impatience or lack of understanding. It may be said in sympathy and beseechingly.

What about this expression when it comes to conflict mastery?  Sometimes…

One of the ways many of us deal with interpersonal conflict as soon as we get a whiff of it or it begins to evolve is to take flight. We may want to rise above it and just get away from any of the related tension. Or, we may fear a range of repercussions such as harsh words, upset, hostility, ongoing negativity, and so on. These and other reasons lead many of us to flee!

It takes courage to be in conflict and it takes courage to know when to walk or run away from it, too. A pattern of…

Fighting with others is not a necessary part of being in conflict, though for many people these are synonymous. The inclination to fight is one reaction when we are having an interpersonal disagreement with another person. The situation, the person, the stakes, the degree we perceive the offense, and so on are variables that determine which approach we take when provoked and the extent to which we react. However, it is likely that certain behaviours we have come to use routinely, such as…

When considering that one response to being provoked is to freeze, this week’s blog encourages thinking about what that means and what to do about it. So, what does freezing mean in the context of conflict? It may be a matter of becoming hard and cold internally or towards the other person or both. It may also be a reaction that reflects feeling immobilized. We feel powerless to know what to say or do. Typically, our brains are ‘on hold’ and we are not able to think at these times. These and…

In the midst of conflict, it is common to feel confused – wondering what is happening and why, experiencing mixed emotions, feeling out of control or immobilized, and so on. At these times, we often don’t have a sense of what to do or what to say. Since our confusion obviously interferes with our ability to think clearly, we may tend to act and react on emotions. The outcome we want, how to get there, and how to manage our emotions are muddled in our hearts and brains.

Since we are in…

It’s not a straightforward exercise to figure out from where and how our assumptions come to us. Life experience, family, friends, teachers, observations, gossip, others’ tales, and a wide range of variables have an impact on our thinking. How we interpret peoples’ words, actions, behaviours, attitudes, etc. leads us to act and react in ways that are based on our assumptions - not necessarily on what is actually intended. Conflict can easily arise from erroneous perceptions and…