Several months ago, I read in the paper, that the new governor of South Carolina was a man known for his ability to ‘disagree affably.’

I wasn’t quite sure what the reporter meant by this because she didn’t site any examples.

However, I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to share a list of words and attributes I thought described being “affable.”

People who are affable are:

• pleasant;
• easy to approach and to…

We write a lot about conflict on our blog (it’s a conflict resolution blog, after all!). But, I fear we don’t pay enough attention to our inner conflicts – those that we fight in our heads and hearts.

One of the most common inner conflicts is how we present ourselves to others vs. how we really feel about ourselves. The conversation is appropriate, after all, considering how many people have a “Facebook-self” or “Instagram-Self” that’s far different from their “real” selves.…

We all want to be our best self, but sometimes we get off track.

When this happens, we feel unhappy, weighted down and stuck.  And our poor attitude negatively affecting our relationships with others. We are short tempered, petty and argumentative.

Last year, I attended an advanced mediation training and learned this very simple tool to start to understand where we want to be — as opposed to where we are.

First you need sticky notes in two…

These days, the word “role” can garner a pretty negative reaction – few of us like being defined by anything, much less a “role” we’re supposed to play in our relationships. But, the mental health community agrees – roles can actually be pretty useful, as long as they’re healthy.

What I often find, however, is that role confusion contributes to quite a bit of distress and conflict, especially in relationships.

Take a woman who is a wife, mother, daughter, and sister.…

This is critical to remember …

There really is no such thing as a shared reality.

Our perception of the world is based on our very own set of experiences and history and just like our fingerprints, NO TWO ARE ALIKE.

Each of us has a story that has been created over our lifetime. And even if we grew up in the same family or worked with the same people, when we experience a common life event, we may think that we have a shared…

How many of you have dealt with a cranky child who’s in the midst of a tantrum? If you have a child over the age of 2, I imagine all of you have experienced a meltdown or two (or three, or four…).

And, you’ve probably experienced the frustration and anxiety some of these tantrums can produce in you, too. There are few things more irritating that trying to soothe a child who, frankly, is really making you angry at the moment. In those times, many parents will yell back. Some will walk…

You’ve heard the saying “Don’t Shoot the Messenger” before.  It means that you shouldn’t blame the bearer of bad news for the news that he/she is delivering.

So … what does that have to do with conflict?

I am going to draw the parallel to anger.

Anger is a messenger.

It may look or act like…

When I talk to clients about grief, they often think I’m referring to the physical death of a loved one. But, I remind them that grief is much larger than that – yes, it usually refers to the mourning process over the physical death of someone. But, grief is also the process by which we mourn the loss of anything – even friendship.

For those who feel they must end a friendship due to too much ongoing conflict, the figurative “death” of the relationship can be traumatizing. So,…

I started thinking about this blog topic because I read an article about a famous American who thought he was open to negotiation and compromise. Was he? I’m not sure. But apparently, he thought so.

Stephen Covey said that “We judge ourselves by our intentions …”  however, others don’t know anything about our intentions. They can’t read our minds. All they can observe are our…

When I work with families, the subject of parenting is definitely a hot topic! I’m often asked questions like, “Should both parents work outside the home?” “What’s better – quality time or more time in general?” “Should Dad be more involved in his childrens’ lives”

At the crux of all these questions, of course is this: “How can I be the best parent for my child(ren)?”

Of course, everyone wants a surefire solution to this age-old questions, but I only offer one answer:…

I chose this topic for today’s post because it’s the first day of the Nevada Legislature. And I am about to be immersed in a pretty adversarial place for the next 120 days.

Many years ago,  I heard the phrase “don’t let perfect stand in the way of good” and I will admit … I wasn’t quite sure what advice a legislator was trying to give a group of us that legislative session.

However, over the years, I have learned.

The legislative process can…

Do you ever find yourself in the midst of “drama” you just can’t seem to escape? If you’re like a lot of my clients, you may be involved in family drama, friend drama, or (my favorite) relationship drama, some of which just seems to constantly revolve around you.

No matter how you “got into” the drama in the first place, one of the most important skills you can gain is learning how to GET OUT of the ongoing conflict – without creating even MORE drama.…

It’s tiring …

listening to all of the name calling and finger pointing that is going on in the world.

What happened to respectful dialogue?

How are we supposed to address our nation’s issues if we show such disrespect for each other??

People can disagree. That’s a given. It’s human nature to have different points…

I remember where I was on January 28, 1986.

I had just arrived at a rural hospital in New York on a work trip when I saw the horrible video of the disintegration of the Space Shuttle Challenger. Everyone was stunned. There would be no work accomplished that day.

73 seconds after liftoff, there was…

Because I do so much work with couples in distress, it’s inevitable I’ll work with couples in the midst of a divorce. So, I’m often there from the announcement through the final paperwork, which gives me great insight into the entire process from start to finish.

One trend I see over and over again is the notion of “I just want to get this over with.” After so much turmoil, distress, and conflict, it’s not unusual for at least one partner to exhaust himself/herself and concede…

As the parent of three, I’m always on the hunt for ways to incentivize (bribe) them to do what I want. Now, you may be tempted to believe that incentivizing children is the easy way out – or even wrong. But, think about it this way: We’re all “incentivized.” Would you show up for work if you weren’t getting paid?

Recently, I read something that’s really helped me get the most of my incentivizing strategy. According to research, the loss you feel when something is taken away…

So, when you finish reading this blog, please let me know … which attitude do you think is better?

I know several octogenarians and nonagearians who are very active and still exercising every day.

This blog is a comparison of the approaches of two of them – both are gentlemen.

Tom, in his late 80s, was a scratch golfer in his day. He and his wife travel south every winter to escape the snow and cold temperatures in favor of sunshine and green fairways.

Tom…

WARNING – you’ll need to set-aside conventional wisdom to read this post!

Haven’t we all been taught that the less conflict in a marriage, the better? Well, recent studies say that’s actually NOT true. In fact, studies now show that couples who have regular conflict actually are happier in their marriages!

So, let me clarify – what we’ve learned is that couples who report little to no conflict in their marriages score very low on marital happiness surveys. Those who…

If you were witnessing of an emergency situation that was occurring right in front of you, you would do something to help the person in trouble or report the emergency, right?

Well, it turns out that your response might depend on how many other people are present.

Here’s the deal … the more people are present, the less likely you are to help the person in distress. That’s called the “bystander effect.”…

Back in graduate school, I loved exploring the different therapy “modalities” out there – psychodynamic, emotionally-focused, Bowenian… I could go on-and-on. But, one more recent way of treating clients and patients really stuck in my mind. And, it’s a theory to which I still subscribe today.

The fancy name is “narrative” therapy, but I just like to call it “self-talk.” Basically, it’s the idea that we can ease our distress by changing what we say to ourselves and modifying…