It often seems that phrases like, “settle down”, “just calm yourself”, “you don’t need to get upset”, etc. lead to increased defensiveness and other negative reactions, rather than less, as the speaker likely hoped. Hushing hand gestures result in the same sort of negative response. That is, comments or gestures of this nature are usually experienced as dismissive and undermining. Those on the receiving end generally resent that their views and feelings are being quieted, put down, or…

After a conflict, some of us experience a sense of guilt. We may realize we contributed to the discord by saying or doing something that we know offended the other person. We may have been insulting. We may have not told the truth. We may have retaliated, gossiped, or acted in our self-interest – to the other person’s detriment. These and other actions may haunt us after the conflict and lead to continuing self-blame.

According to …

Do you remember the expression “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”? If so, you may also recall, as I do, that it was (and may still be) a stock response to verbal bullying in grade school playgrounds. The meaning is evident and is simply described by one resource as follows: “A response to an insult, implying that ‘You might be able to hurt me by physical…

The expression on today’s blog - speaking your mind - means saying exactly what we think regardless of whether or not others will agree. The idea of doing so comes with boundaries for some of us, and we may not say exactly what is on our mind whether or not others will agree. That may be only one reason. Other reasons have to do with a fear of conflict and associated challenges discussed in a…

I always smile when I hear the expression titled in this week’s blog. It is meaty with metaphor and meaning. I first learned it many years ago. It was during a conflict that a friend was describing and wondering what to do about it. Another of our friends said, “Whatever you do, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” I got what it meant within the context of what was being shared and the friend in conflict conducted himself accordingly. I have used this expression many times since –…