We often talk about the relationship breaking down when we are in a dispute and in fact, we do disconnect in many ways from the other person. We often lose connection with our own feelings and thoughts, too. It’s difficult to imagine that things can be mended when this happens and some of us experience mournful feelings – grieving that the relationship may be irreparable. It’s an uncomfortable and stressful place to be and we generally feel off balance and out of choice. These sorts of…

One of the things that many of us do when we are in conflict, is to make assumptions about the other person and his or her motives. Depending on the person, the situation, what is said or done (or not said or done), and our frame of mind and heart at that time, there are varying levels of assumptions we may make. For instance, we may start out giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and make excuses that demonstrate some empathy and/or understanding. This may be of the nature, “He…

Many of us experience inner reactions to another person’s words, actions, attitude or behaviours, but do not let him or her know. Fear of retaliation, encountering some other sort of combative response, becoming more upset and other perceived consequences often keep us from raising our concerns and pre-empting unnecessary friction. And suppressing our feelings does not help as inevitably they erupt somewhere along the road, and may even result in situations that can be even more unsettling.…

Engaging in conflict conversations is a common happenstance. Some discussions however, lead to uncommon sentiments and reactions when we lose our sense of self and control. One of the consequences is that we may tend to put conflict conversations off indefinitely. Or, we may blurt out something awkwardly or at inappropriate times, or any combination of approaches that make for counterproductive communications.

Becoming masterful at conflict communications – to talk out…

One of the things that sometimes happens when we are embroiled in an interpersonal conflict is that we perceive the differences between us as a matter of right and wrong. That is, that we are right and the other person is wrong! That perspective may be the other person’s too, of course. In many cases, such attributions do not apply and mostly, they don’t serve us well. Yet, when there is a need to find fault, it seems many of us think in positional terms of black versus white and hold…

Forgiving is complex. Among other things, forgiveness means being able to move on and not continue to hold on to the hurt and pain from a situation. Some people expect that once they apologize for something they said or did that they are forgiven. It’s not that easy. There are many layers to forgiveness, including how deep the hurt, the nature of the deed or words that hurt us, who asks for forgiveness and how forgiveness is requested. When we seem to be unable to forgive, we may not be…

When we are in conflict, it is common for many of us to blame the other person for what happened in the dynamic. It may well be that the other person has done or said something to offend us, and we have done nothing we can think of to warrant his or her words or action. Or, we may have done something to which he or she is reacting and we choose a defensive or blaming response to counteract his or her accusations. Or, some combination of these and other circumstances may have occurred that…

So often we embark on a difficult communication or react to a conflict situation by trying to discuss it, before we or the other person are ready. Anxiety to resolve the issues, a desire to get past the high emotions, a need to make amends and other reasons compel many of us to dive in prematurely to talk things out. On the other hand, we may tend to wait too long before we reach out and find our efforts are perceived as ‘too little too late’, despite our good…

Conflict can weigh us down and we limp along with it on our shoulders. These are the times we ask ourselves questions like, “Why did I get into that fight?”, or “What was I trying to prove?, or “What was she on about?”, or “Why did he get so upset?” In any case, when we care about the relationship, the weight usually feels heavier than when we don’t. The questions we ask ourselves at these times are often negative, self-limiting or self-serving.

Here are some other questions to ask…