We all have ways that we manage conflict that we have learned over time. It is often the case that at least one of our conflict management styles seems to be dominant and reflects the default approach we take under stress. Our way of engaging in conflict of course, depends on the person and what we are experiencing from and about him or her and the situation. Also, the timing, our mood at the time, the impact of the dispute on us and each other and other factors all enter in to determine how…

When we’re in conflict, there are many decisions to be made during and after it is over. Even when we anticipate dissension, there are decisions to make about how to effectively engage in the interaction. Our ability to make any sort of decision about conflictual  matters and the relationship dynamic decrease the more upset we become. For various reasons in the heat of the moment we often seem to think it is necessary to do or say something, rather than taking a ‘time-out’ to decide the…

We aren’t usually aware of what peoples’ ‘hot buttons’ are except perhaps those of our family and friends and those we come to know well such as colleagues and co-workers. Even so, we didn’t always know what provoked them. New friends, colleagues and others start with a clean slate, too. It seems ‘hot buttons’ are things we often realize the hard way – through trial and error.

When we are provoked by something others say or do or even what they don’t say or do, many of us let…

When emotions prevail during interpersonal conflict, many of us cannot easily think ahead to what we want as an outcome. If we acknowledge that possibility, we may do some preparatory work before we initiate a potentially conflictual discussion or get caught up in the middle of one. If we engage in some preliminary reflections, our actions and words will more likely be aligned with our objective. Otherwise, the likelihood of chaotic thinking and feelings is high and we end up conducting…

It is common when we are in conflict, that as our emotions escalate, many of us tend to interrupt more and listen less. We interrupt for a number of reasons, including that we perceive that whatever is being said or done undermines and challenges something important for us. Or, we find it difficult to hear the truth or falsehood of what the other person is saying, or we figure we know what the person is about to say and have limited patience or time. Other reasons for interrupting may…

Though not always expressed, it is common that people in conflict experience some level of fear about the dynamic between them and the other person. This may be about the issues in dispute and/or the relationship, or their own reactions and experience of the conflict. In a small scale study CINERGY® Coaching did with 200 clients about what fears they have in their interpersonal disputes, the fear of a loss of some sort prevailed. Loss of the relationship (connecting, caring, etc.), of face,…

Something that happens to many of us in the aftermath of interpersonal conflict is a tendency to agonize about what happened. We may criticize ourselves – wishing we had said something else or differently. We may blame the other person and not let go of our feelings about him or her. We may continue to ruminate about unresolved hurts and issues. We may make the situation bigger than it was, or try to minimize it while still experiencing a huge impact that we try to…

There are days when we are in conflict with another person we respond strongly to his or her action or words that may not have the same impact on other days. Fatigue, personal or professional worries and other stressors all contribute to how reactive we are, to whom and for what reason. Some strong emotions leave us in a state of heart and mind that may confuse us and add to the strain we already experience as a consequence of the conflict. These emotions can sometimes take over and we find…