Understanding Conflict

Conflict happens everywhere, at work, with our families, and our friends, among institutions, ethnic groups, and even nations. The challenges of constructively dealing with differences have never been greater. But what is conflict and why does it happen? Can’t we all just get along and live in a conflict-free society? The fact is people have always dealt with conflict, and researchers have found it to be prevalent in every area of human relations.

According to Wilmot and Hocker, conflict is defined as an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals. Some of the main issues from which these struggles spawn include: religion, communication failures, value differences, shared resources, inequalities, personalities, goal differences, lack of cooperation, and responsibility differences.

Studying conflict is essential because education increases our awareness and allows us to understand its’ nature. A greater understanding of conflict itself proves beneficial by providing insight; thereby affording us the ability to better deal with differences and develop strategies for potential resolution. Moreover, since conflict is an unavoidable part of human existence finding constructive ways to deal with it makes our relationships easier, and in essence makes our lives better.

First, family relationships provide for the most intense environment for conflict resolution. Studying conflict can aid in redrawing those family boundaries, letting you see which styles work best, and how much productive influence you have available, thus giving you new starting places for finding new ground with your families.

Romantic relationships present a rigorous test of our skills. Siegert and Stamp (1994), studied the “first big fight” in dating relationships, noting that some couples survive and prosper, while others separate. The big difference between the survivors and non-survivors was the way they perceived and handled conflict. (Wilmot 1995).

What determines the course of a relationship is in a large measure determined by how successfully the participants move through conflict episodes. (Wilmot). The ultimate testing grounds for romantic relationships is marriage. Almost all spouses report “occasional marital discord” (Bolger 1989). For many spouses the disagreements may be brief, whereas for others they may continue over several days (Bolger et al. 1989).

It is common for partners to have conflicts or disagreements, and if fact, managing conflict is one of the important tasks of maintaining a marriage (Gottman 1994). Gottman found, after decades of research on conflict in marriage, that couples who stay together enter their conflicts tenderly, make repairs along the way if they hurt each other, avoid criticizing and blame, and avoid hitting each other where it hurts most.

Constructive conflict skills can be learned, but many people have never seen these conflict approaches modeled at home. As you might guess, learning to constructively resolve conflict is clearly and directly linked to marital satisfaction (Kurdek 1995, 153). The data on marriages suggest that the key skill in all long-term committed relationships is conflict management (Gottman 1994).

The presence or absence of conflict does not determine the quality of a marriage; rather, how the couple handles conflictual situations determines the quality of the relationship (Comstock and Strzyzewski 1990).

Conflict between parents can predict the well being of the children. Excessive conflict is associated with maladaptation on part of the children, which could lead to behavior problems and lower academic performance.

Skills of conflict management are not intuitively obvious. It isn’t just those who yell and call each other names that have relationship difficulties deriving from conflict. Avoidance of conflict can be damaging as well. Couples who never engage in conflict place their relationship at long-term risk (McGonagle, Kessler, and Gotlib 1993, 398). Parents who avoid conflict or engage in negative cycles of mutual damage directly influence the children’s subsequent lives. Research shows that poor parental examples of conflict resolution put children at risk for negative outcomes in future romantic relationships (Martin 1990).

In addition, the effects of destructive conflict patterns suggest that ongoing conflict at home has a greater negative impact on adolescent distress and symptoms than does parental divorce (Jaycox and Repetti 1993, 344). In personal relationships, unresolved conflict leads to drifting away from one another and sometimes jettisoning the relationship entirely.

It is also important to address conflict in the work environment. Conflicts at work present important challenges that could affect career. According to Kolb and Putnam, conflict is a stubborn fact of organizational life. Rather than seeing conflict as abnormal, Pondy (1992) suggests we view organizations as arenas for staging conflicts, and managers as both fight promoters who organize bouts and as referees who regulate them (259).

Pondy also asserts that in the company agency, conflict may be the very essence of what the organization is about, and if, conflict isn’t happening then the organization has no reason for being. One survey reported that over 85% of workers reported conflict at work (Volkema and Bergmann 1989).

With an increasing awareness of gender equity issues and cultural diversity, it is imperative that we become familiar with issues surrounding promotions and harassment. In fact, one can see training in organizations as a form of preventive conflict management, where managers specifically learn conflict skills to intervene in disputes in their organization.

Just as unresolved conflict can spread through an entire family, it can also affect a whole organization, reaching far beyond the principal parties. The continual avoidance of a problem can seep throughout the organization, affecting everyone who interacts with each other. This causes employees to take sides, waging a campaign discrediting the other group; thus setting destructive forces in motion that decrease productivity, and lower morale.

The recognition of the prevalence of conflict at work has led to mediating and arbitrating conflict in the workplace. Negotiation occurs in conflict resolution when the parties recognize their interdependence, have been able to establish their concerns, are willing to work on both incompatible and overlapping goals, have been able to establish enough power balance so people can come to the table, and when procedures are in place so people can talk to each other in problem-solving ways. Thus, we think of negotiation as the active phase of conflict resolution when people generate options, brainstorm ideas, give and take, and attempt to get their mutual goals met. Negotiation can be either competitive, “I want my goals met, and I don’t care about yours” or collaborative “We have to reach a mutually satisfying conclusion. Negotiating involves active engagement, not avoidance.

On the global scale, nations have struggled with one another, both diplomatically and militarily. A 1967 definition by Coser, asserts that conflict is a struggle of values and claims to scarce status, power, and resources in which the goals of the opponents are to neutralize, injure, or eliminate the rivals. Note that this definition grew out of the cold war, in which differences between the United States and the former Soviet Union dominated Western approaches to conflict.

At that time, conflict was definitely viewed as a win-lose situation. Fortunately, the perspective of conflict has changed over the years, becoming less threatening; at least in a super power sense. Contemporary definitions focus mostly on interdependence instead of unalterable opposition.

With the increased globalization of the world’s economy, we are all becoming more interdependent with one another. Populations are growing and crowding adds to stress, which increases conflict. Still, many of the time-honored practices of resolving conflict, which depended on extended, long-term social standards, such as: regard for authority figures, respect for the elderly, and refined ways of ensuring peace, no longer carry the authority they once did because of mobility and migration. Individuals must now learn how to resolve conflict with fewer supports from culture.

In conflict we must learn to do what comes unnaturally (Young-Eisendrath 1994). If we do what we have always done, we will continue to get the results we have always gotten – results that keep us caught up in the same old patterns.

We must reject avoidance, and no matter how painful or uncomfortable we must learn to face conflict head on in a kind, respectful and constructive manner. By learning constructive conflict resolution we can positively impact every relationship, those at home, those at work, and beyond.

By, Randy Hoerschgen

With special thanks to: Wilmot, William W. and Joyce L. Hocker. Interpersonal Conflict. – 6th ed.